An Awkward Conversation
Parents tend to dread having the facts of life conversation with their children, but they know it has to be done. Another awkward facts of life conversation that has to take place is the one about the realities of aging. Adult children need to raise the subject with their parents about how they are preparing for their super-senior years. These important discussions are rarely comfortable and tend to take place only once a crisis has arisen.
When is the right time? To be honest – there is never a right time. Just do it!
THE SOONER THE BETTER
Conversations should ideally start as early as possible, with the whole family involved and the dialogue should be ongoing. Since siblings may live considerable distances from each other, a family gathering such as a birthday or Christmas may be the only time everyone is around. Try to avoid these occasions if possible, as they tend to be emotional. See if you can choose a time and a place where everyone is comfortable and not rushed or tired. Have a meeting without the parents first to make sure you are all on the same page.
LISTEN TO YOUR PARENTS WISHES
Explain to your parents that you want to make sure life is safe, easy and relaxed for them as they get older. Ask in what ways you can be of more help to them now, and then lead into a discussion of longer -term plans. Go through the different “what if” scenarios.
Listen to your parents and acknowledge their wishes and needs. It is better to have this conversation while your parents are still in good health and can participate fully. Do your homework first so you can advise them of the options available but don’t be overpowering. Allow them to come to a conclusion themselves and respect the fact that they still want to have control over their lives. There may be a conflict between what a parent wants and what is best for them. For example, your loved one wants to remain independent, but this may put their safety at risk. You may then have to be firm, but gentle in persuading them to consider alternatives.
It may of course all work the other way round and it is the older generation who initiates the discussion and the adult child who is reluctant to face reality. Many children can be in denial regarding their parents’ declining abilities while the parents may be very honest about areas of everyday life which are now causing difficulties and in which they need extra help. If this is the case, listen and discuss how best to improve the situation. To start with an in-home caregiver for a few hours a week can make an enormous difference.
ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR FEELINGS
It is not easy for anyone to face the fact that they are getting older and possibly weaker. Facing our mortality floods us with complex, conflicting emotions. Your parents may feel fearful and vulnerable, angry and frustrated. Encourage them to share their feelings. Remind them that you love them and care about them and want to know how you can help. Don’t make any promises you cannot keep, but reassure them that you will do your best to honor their wishes.
RESIST ROLE REVERSAL
Resist the desire to reverse roles so that you now become the parent and your parent becomes the child. If you start telling your parents what they must do, they may become resistant and uncooperative.
STAY POSITIVE & KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR
Keep all conversations, and there should be several, positive and productive. However serious the subject, try and laugh together. Laughter is a great ice- breaker. Remind your parents that you have their best interests at heart and want to make sure they are safe as well as happy.
WRITE IT DOWN
It is always a good idea to write down what needs to be discussed so that nothing gets forgotten. Topics may include long-term elder care, finances, safety in the home, driving, health care and end-of-life decisions.
ONE STEP AT A TIME
Address the most pressing issue first and don’t expect to find solutions all at once. Take one step at a time.
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS
Use a soft tone of voice and maintain eye contact. Be reassuring. Use positive language. Pose questions and offer alternative solutions.
SHARE AN EXPERIENCE
You might want to chat about your own retirement plans or a friend’s medical emergency as a way of transitioning into your dialogue.
WILLS, RECORDS & DOCUMENTS
Ask your parents where they keep important documents such as wills, insurance policies, trust documents, banking records, tax returns, living wills and powers of attorney. Explain how important it is that you have access to this information in case of an emergency. This is another good way to broach the subject of future plans.
INVOLVE A THIRD PARTY
If your loved one is very resistant to begin the discussion, or you have a difficult relationship with a parent, he or she may be more open to the advice of a third party. This could be a doctor, friend or neighbor who has been through a similar situation, member of the clergy or representative of an agency. Amada has experienced advisors who can help mediate discussions calmly and objectively.
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